It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
