I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
