Old men and throwing up are my life now.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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