At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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