I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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