I heard we made out
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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