I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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