i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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