That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
