Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
