Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
