Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
