Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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