Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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