I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
