there's paper in my vomit.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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