Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
