she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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