I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
