The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
