How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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