How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
there is glitter all over my balls
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