Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
