So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
