I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
