He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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