Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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