You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
