If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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