I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
