'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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