Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
