chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
