is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
