I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
