You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I believe in your delicious
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
