I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
