in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So much Jack, so little girl.
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