Sober January is a disaster.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
