finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
