if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
