No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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