Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
