oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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