take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
