This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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