It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
