He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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