just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
