Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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