At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
