Kiss
Puke
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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