Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
