i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
