Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
