last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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