Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize