I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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