I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
