I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
