I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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